According to a recent report by Reuters, many parents in our generation support their adult kids in every way. Mums are the ‘go to’ person 60% of the time when our grown up children run into economic problems. This may be down to what psychologist Carl E. Pickhardt, ph.D calls trial independence where during the fourth and final stage of adolescence our children need space to find their feet. Other professionals suggest it is due to a cultural change. Our generation was raised by post war/post depression parents who emphasised the importance of financial self reliance. Baby boomers too, were the first generation of feminists and economic success meant that we did not need to depend on men for financial security in the way our mothers did. This was an important factor for lots of us in our pursuit of independence.

Whatever the reason, the way we deal with the return of our adult children is important both for their development and our own. According to Vivian Diller, PH.D, mother’s often feel a sense of anxiety about this stage of their own lives. She says:

“Having spent 20 or more years caring for their children they feel pulled in opposing directions as midlife approaches – to hold on or to move on. Whilst they might want to move on, there continues to be a strong pull to hold on to what is familiar, even if that means messy bedrooms and empty fridges”. Vivian goes on to explain, “Being needed helps some women maintain their sense of purpose just as they face fears about becoming invisible”.

However, it’s all too easy to take this too far. If in the end all you are doing is encouraging your young adult to stay dependent and turning yourself into some sort of mothering doormat then the whole situation becomes destructive for everyone involved.

It is important to set some ground rules from the outset. Remember, your returning offspring is not a house guest – but an adult member of your family collective. I know from my own experience, there is always a period of ‘adjustment’. I have to adjust by pulling back on the amount of parental responsibility I need assert and my daughter has to remember that she can not live student life and keep student hours in our home. Making expectations clear on both sides at the beginning will go a long way to creating harmony (even if it’s only a little!)

People’s tolerances are different. What I find acceptable in my home may differ wildly from what you find acceptable in yours. The important thing is that you don’t adopt a ‘wait and see’ approach and fall into the same old mother/child relationship – for whilst you are still a mother he or she is no longer a child. Below are some tips from Carl E. Pickhardt on how to manage these unchartered relationship waters between you:

• Insist on mutuality – your young adult must agree to live with you on two way terms, not one way (all his or her way)
• It should be a reciprocal arrangement – this is achieved when each party actively contributes to the wellbeing of the other. So you provide their living space, they keep it clean!
• Compromise – in a disagreement, both parties move away from immediate self interest to find a common place where each gets some of what they want
• Try to be considerate – this means making an effort not to tread on each others sensitivities. This might be your son or daughter not playing music too loud or going to bed/getting up at a reasonable hour and you not insisting they need to go to church or force an opinion on them

If your adult child is or becomes unwilling to live at home in this two-way process, Pickhardt says you must not get angry. You should respect his or her choice and simply say something like this: “We understand that you have reached an age where you want to live on your own terms. Unhappily, this will not work for us. Over the next two weeks you will have to make other living arrangements. It’ll be lovely to get together and see you, as always”.

I know it’s not politically correct for our generation to take a cruel to be kind stance, but returning home after finishing university, or losing a job or for whatever reason is not a right but a privilege. Our children need to respect that and meet certain household conditions. As mothers, we need to stand down from the mothering, respect their privacy, not always be on their back about what their going to do next and generally let them get on with themselves in kind of benign neglect fashion.

Harsh – but you know it makes sense. As parents we have to take responsibility for ensuring our children can make their own way in the world. Indulging their dependence is probably the surest way of making them miserable and discontent with life before they have even begun to live it.

What do you think? Go to our forum and join the discussion there.

What happens when your nest becomes empty, all your chicks have flown and you look at your big daddy bird and think ……WOW – a big fat nothing? 

Boredom, ennui, same old, same old -  whatever way you want to put it, it now seems that this is one of the most powerful marriage killers of our generation. Plain, old fashioned, no frills boredom has, for the first time outstripped infidelity as the biggest reason for instigating divorce proceedings according to the accountancy firm Grant Thornton who commissioned a survey and interviewed over 100 lawyers. 

Relationship counsellors clearly recognise the year after the last child leaves home as a ‘stress point’ in a marriage. Most couples who have been through the whole empty nest experience will acknowledge that it did affect their relationship to some degree or another. Women in particular, tend towards introspection at this time in their lives and the result of this self analysis can be life changing for everyone involved and not always in a good way. Because women, generally speaking are the main carers in the family it follows that when this role becomes redundant there is feeling of loss, of the end of an era so to speak. A subconscious need to ‘move on’, to find something to fill the void that has been left develops and a marriage that is perceived to be a constraint or more appropriately, now surplus to requirements no longer fits properly into the picture .  Opportunities and new openings are today available to women in a way that was inconceivable to our mother’s and grandmother’s. We are all part of the ‘because we’re worth it’ generation and there is a certain pressure both from society and from ourselves to make sure we are absolutely happy and fulfilled whatever the consequences and the thought of simply doing nothing and drifting gently into old age is beyond imagining. 

Also, we all know that boredom can lead to tetchiness, tetchiness leads to bickering,  bickering leads to frustration and  anger and so begins a vicious circle – you’re bored, you pick a fight – bored, bicker, fight, over and over again until eventually you split up because it all becomes too much to handle. 

It wasn’t always like this though. There was a time, not so long ago when marriage was supposed to be boring and it was supposed to make you properly grown up and turn you into a responsible adult. People married young, had babies and stayed together forever, despite not being in love anymore. Fair enough, they were madly, passionately in love when they wed, but as time went on they traded that in for a kind of comfortable familiarity, an easiness about each other, a sense of companionship which demanded nothing more then a couple of armchairs, a bit of TV in the evening and a cup of cocoa going to bed. This was normal, this was what was expected and no one was the least bit put out when this is exactly what happened. 

So when did this perception of marriage start to change and are we guilty of setting the bar too high in terms of our son’s and daughter’s view of married life? There is no question that Hollywood and the celebrity culture we live in has a lot to do with our perception of ‘true love’ and all it is supposed to bring with it, but frankly people’s expectation of marriage has become quite mad.  It has spiralled out of all proportion, right from the showy and costly wedding day which leaves many young couples in terrible debt before they even start out to the ridiculous expectation that the passion and starry-eyed-ness will last for ever. 

A young colleague of mine (who calls me her substitute mum as she lives quite far away from her own mum!) has recently been unceremoniously dumped by her boyfriend of 13 years. They are both in their late twenties and they have made a lovely home together for the last five years. It was a given that they would marry, they had discussed it over the last few years and both wanted it and he proposed, very romantically, whilst they were on holiday last year. Then without a by your leave, he has decided he no longer wants to marry my lovely friend, and his reason…well, he feels he has ‘grown to love’ her rather than ‘being in love’ with her and this is apparently, not the way it should be. Part of me wants to slap him hard and tell him what a stupid boy he is and the other part of me is relieved for her, although she won’t appreciate her lucky escape just yet whilst she is in the throes of the most awful, gut wrenching heartbreak. But this illustrates my point, he cannot see that true love grows out of the seedlings of passion and romance and it is solidified over many years by shared experiences both good and bad and nurtured by kindness and caring and the pursuit of a common goal. He believes that because it is not the same as it was in the first flushes of their youthful and all encompassing passion that it is not right and therefore must be totally wrong. 

So perhaps our generation should lead by example. Instead of allowing boredom to become something negative in our marriage perhaps we should embrace the comfort of it as one would an old dressing gown. I have always believed in showing children what the real world was like, to a certain degree. When they were small and my husband and I argued, I never did it too quietly believing that it was important that they learned that families and especially husbands and wives can have the most awful rows but still love each other and make up the next day.  So perhaps we should be clear and honest both with ourselves and our grown up children. We should show them that love, though a bit boring as it grows older, can be constant especially with a little effort and a little acceptance that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Having a steady companion who is prepared to stand by your side for the rest of your life is worth a great deal in today’s currency and who knows, now that the children have gone and the two of you are alone again, the seeds of passion and romance might begin to flourish once more – but don’t tell the kids that bit. In their words that would simply just ‘gross them out’! 

What do you think – should people split up because they are bored in their marriage or should they simply stick it out? 

Post on our forum and let us know what you think.

So, parents die, children leave, redundancies happen, marriages break up, illness strikes and then what? When the dust settles you find that your previously unshakable confidence in your ability as a strong woman who makes intelligent decisions about her own life is completely shattered and because you feel you haven’t got the where-with-all to move forward your self esteem plummets and you feel completely lost. For lots of women this is a horrible and unfamiliar feeling and it is more common then anybody realises. For the most part women do what they have always done – put one foot in front of the other, carry on and make sure everyone else is OK – but inside you feel like a different person, a shadow of your former self. The things that made you who you are all these years, the lynchpins of your life are gone. You are no longer that man’s wife or that book keeper, bank clerk, cleaner or managing director. The fact that you have raised a child who can go off into to the big bad world and make her way in it without a backwards glance does nothing to fill the aching void she leaves behind in your life. The parents you have looked after in their old age die and despite the fact that you are a mother yourself and in your 40’s you feel like an orphan. When they are gone you become the older generation, that’s it – from now on the buck stops here. This is an instinctive and emotional response to loosing parents who have always tried to be supportive and almost everyone I have spoken to feels like this although most feel embarrassed to admit it. 

Loosing confidence in yourself is energy sapping and very destructive. You know you should do something about it but you don’t know what. You are used to your days being filled with activity, you are used to being needed all the time, you are used to feeling important and being able to do ten things at once and all of a sudden you have one thing to do and ten hours to do it in! It’s easy to make excuses. We all do it because sometimes taking the plunge is too scary and it’s better to stay holding the towels on the beach! In very traditional and tribal societies the older women were mentors and teachers to the younger. They were needed by the community as a whole and their advice and expertise gleaned from years of experience was invaluable to the younger generation of mothers who relied on them for support, both emotional and practical. They still worked as part of the collective and contributed fully to their society. They were still needed. 

Often women talk of a feeling of failure in their 40’s. These are women who at a glance seem to be hugely successful. They have lovely families and loving husbands good jobs and nice houses. They are bubbly and popular (and always thin!) and seem to have life all nicely packaged and tied up with a big bow.  Behind the surface however you often find that things are not quite as they seem. I have a very dear friend who’s 21 year old son attempted suicide recently. This is a big issue and not one I would even attempt to discuss or understand but again once things calmed down a bit and he was pronounced well  my friend was racked with guilt and a terrible sense of having failed. She had absolutely no idea what was going on in his head and whilst she was worried that he was a bright lad who was drifting a bit she believed he was a reasonably happy young man. This sense of failure is now starting to affect her always amazing self confidence and she finds herself on very stoney ground and is beginning to question her very core beliefs.  Similarly, friends who have been through relationship breakdowns report of a huge sense of failure. It seems that even and perhaps especially if you are the one who has instigated the break up the sense of having failed where others have succeeded is overwhelming and this feeling of failure of course, leads you to lack belief in yourself and your place in the world. 

Furthermore, your 40’s is often a time for reflection. If the reflection is positive and your self confidence is quite intact then this can often lead to fantastic achievements like getting that university degree you should have got in your 20’s or starting your own business or loosing three stone in weight and getting fit. However for lots of women this reflection leads to even more confusion and increases any sense of failure that might be niggling and you end up feeling a bit hopeless wondering where to go with the rest of your life. Often too, it can be that you feel pressured by circumstances. For example you really don’t like your job and you had a plan to go part time and study for a different qualification now that the kids are grown up and a bit more independent. Then your husband gets made redundant and that plan has to be shelved indefinitely. Obviously this can happen at a much younger stage in your life but when it happens say in your late 40’s you really feel you are in the last chance saloon so it’s a much bigger issue. Or  maybe you gave up work to look after the kids and 20 years later you are trying to dip your toe in the water again but feel old and behind with your skills and frankly, unemployable. 

Crises of confidence can happen as any stage in a person’s life. However it seems that for women over 40 challenges come in job lots instead of one at a time. Also expectations are higher. You are now supposed to know what to do, to be wise and sail calmly through each crisis and out the other side whilst at the same time helping everyone else through their crises also! So what are we to do? Stick our heads in a bucket of wine and say to hell with it all or take stock and some baby steps and see what the next 40 years holds for us.  Whichever way you decide to handle this decade and beyond the one thing I can promise you is you are not on your own. Millions of women all over the world are feeling exactly the same. We are not the first generation to feel like this and we certainly won’t be the last but we are the first to have a myriad of brilliant opportunities open to us – not least the ability to chat to other women all across the globe and simply rant a bit!

It was a family wedding. One of those weddings where I could actually really enjoy myself, being  removed as I was from all the organising and all the fuss. My lovely niece got married to her childhood sweetheart. It was a beautiful church wedding with all the trimmings and it was like a fairytale, except……someone else was wearing my dress!!

Now I am a sensible woman. I am not given to hysterics and  generally speaking, I don’t let small things get me down. This however, got me right in the gut. If I’m honest, the real problem was that this ‘other woman’ was about ten years younger than me and looked much better in the dress then I did.  Talk about feeling bitter and twisted. I missed much of the ceremony as my mind drifted off into mad scenarios where I ‘accidentally’ spilt a large glass of red wine all over her, or where she ‘accidentally’ fell and broke her leg and had to leave the wedding.

I tried to let common sense prevail I really did, but the only prevailing emotions were fury and embarrassment.  How could this have happened?I thought I had taken care to buy something fairly exclusive. Eventually, (and with the help of much alcohol) I got over myself and got on with the job of enjoying the evening and all was again well with the world. However, it made me think. Surely, there must be a way this kind of thing can be avoided? 

And guess what? There is! I have discovered a brilliant website called Dress Spy. This does exactly what is says on the tin and if my niece had signed up for this as part of her wedding plans my dress clash would never have happened.  It’s so easy and very private and I am convinced it is the way forward for every big event. You upload a picture of your outfit and whoever is the co-ordinator (usually the chief bridesmaid but it can be anyone), can see in an instant whether two people have planned to wear the same thing. She then emails both parties warning them of this imminent disaster. As the meerkat says – simples!

The next time I am invited to a wedding I am going to RSVP and ask them to sign up for this service. If I’m going to spend a small fortune on an outfit, I do not want someone else stealing my thunder – especially if they have the cheek to look better in it then I do.

If you have a wedding, party or anything else coming up go check out www.dressspy.com. Your guests will thank you. I promise. 

Linda x

Amongst my own peer group today however, it is a wholly different kettle of fish. Mothers I know, who are otherwise sensible, down-to-earth women are reduced to quivering wrecks during the build up to exam time. Now, to a degree I get this. I understand that when you see your child under pressure or upset it affects you as well and you want to do everything possible to make it better. But really, does it need to be such a big deal? Surely, young adults need to be taught that certain times in life are stressful and showing them how to cope with it rather than fussing and molly coddling them seems like a much better approach. Importantly, ask yourself why you are stressed? Living vicariously through your children or using their successes to validate your existence is not a likable trait.  Think hard and if you feel you are doing this then back off and get your own life!    

In my house, we have tried to point out the advantages of doing well through a bit of effort V’s the disadvantages of not doing well because you can’t be arsed. I chivvy and chide and hope someone listens, but I definitely do not coax, bribe or make excuses for bad behaviour or rudeness during exam time (although how one decides what normal behaviour is in teenage boys always stumps me in the end !) 

However, a clever mum will have a few tricks up her sleeve to make for a less bumpy ride so here are some tips to help: 

• Stay positive. Encourage them to work and do their best but also let them know that it’s not the end of the world if the don’t get the grades. They can often re-sit or even try something different. They have their whole lives ahead of them to try again. 
• Resist putting pressure on them to achieve certain grades. If they don’t get them, they will feel like a failure (because of your expectation). 
• Be available if they want to talk about their worries. 
• Expect moodiness, untidiness, bare cupboards and an empty fridge (but then again what’s new). 
• Try to get them to eat healthily and to take some exercise. This does not include an exercise break on the Xbox! See if you can drag them out for a walk if they are not the sporty type. 
• Bribery is not a good idea. Offering cash for grades is counterproductive. Psychologists say that this implies that the only meaningful reward for hard work is money. It also says that you don’t trust your child. Negative messages like these will affect your child’s sense of self worth. 
• See if you can get them to go to bed. Good luck with this one. Teenagers are notorious late birds and may even feel they get their best work done at night. Try to ensure they get a good night’s sleep though. The human brain works much better when fully rested. 
• Be aware you might be part of the problem.  Support group Childline says that lots of the children who call them to talk about exam stress feel that the greatest pressure comes from family. So keep things in perspective and remember this is your child’s life and this is their success or failure. Either way they will learn from it. 
• Before they go off to the exam be encouraging and positive. However, also let them know that the world will not fall down around them if it does not go well and they can try again or explore a different route. 
• When the exam is finished, let them talk about it if they want,  then draw a line under it, especially if it went badly. What’s done is done. Dwelling on it will make your child more anxious. Move on – either to the next exam, a new job or for the lucky ones, the long summer holidays. 
• If your child is really struggling and shows signs that the stress is getting to him or her seek professional advice or discuss it with the teachers at school. This is more difficult for university students, as they are adults but if they exhibit signs of severs stress, anxiety or depression, do try and seek medical advice. 

P.S – Top Tip for Mum’s experiencing kid’s exam stress: 

• Bottle of wine, straw, oblivion

Well, here at PlanFreeMum we understand the importance of looking after your skin but also of looking after your wallet. We have put together a guide to a perfect facial which will leave your skin feeling glowing and fresh with minimal impact on your finances. You will need to allow yourself 1 hour and ideally you should be in a relaxed and warm environment, preferably where you will be undisturbed. 

You will need:

A good cleanser, toner and moisturiser. These do not have to be very expensive. Your normal everyday ones will do as long as they suit your skin type

A gentle facial scrub.

A good quality almond oil or facial massage oil

A soothing and hydrating face mask and a face mask

Rose water (or slices of cucumber or cold teabags)

A skin serum (you can get samples of these from cosmetic counters)

Eye cream or gel 

Step 1 – Use a headband or a scarf and pull all your hair away from your face. Make sure your neck is uncovered also. 

Step 2 – Remove any eye make up. Gently massage your cleanser into your skin. Wet and squeeze two cotton pads (so they are still damp) and remove your cleanser. Repeat until the cotton pads come away clean even around your hairline. 

Step 3 – Put some warm water in a sink or bowl. Apply a generous amount of facial scrub to your skin and with damp fingers, gently rub the exfolliant scrub over your skin. This will help remove any dead cells before further treatment. Avoid any sensitive areas and the area around your eyes. Rinse well and pat dry. 

Step 4 – Lie on a bed or comfortable sofa.  Put a towel under your head. Apply the facial or almond oil to your skin, including your neck and begin to rhythmically massage it into your skin. Use the tips of your fingers and be careful not to drag or pull your skin. Vary your movements using tip tapping, small circular movements and large circular movements. Always work upwards on your neck and inwards around your eye. Do this for at least 10 minutes but preferably 15 or twenty if you can. 

Step 5 – Damp some cotton pads and soak them in toner. Use these to remove the oil from your skin. It should be glowing now as circulation has increased and toxins have been drained. 

Step 6 – Carefully apply a nourishing and hydrating mask, again including your neck area and leave for the time suggested on the mask packaging. 

Step 7 – Remove the mask as per instructions on packaging. If you need to rinse or wash it off, it’s easier to use a wet face cloth! Pat dry rather than rubbing dry. 

Step 7 – Apply serum. Pat this in rather then rubbing it in. 

Step 8 – Apply eye cream again by tip tapping or patting this into the delicate area under the eye. 

Step 9 – Apply facial moisturiser, not forgetting to include your neck area. 

And there you have it. A professional style facial in the comfort of your own home and with the same results. The beauty of this is once you have all the bits and pieces in your bathroom you can repeat the facial on a weekly basis for great looking skin on a budget.

For more discussion on skin care and beauty go to our forum

Co-dependency often originates in childhood, especially if the parent has suffered from addiction or mental health issues. Children learn very early on that they need to adapt to the mother’s needs rather than the other way around. Low self esteem can be a factor also as people who suffer from low self worth often feel the need to be validated by others to make them feel worthwhile and as it happens, many very successful people and celebrities could be classed as co – dependent as they rely heavily on the praise and good will of others to make them who they are. 

Co-dependency can be very destructive. If you are constantly worrying about what others think of you or trying to anticipate a partner’s moods and needs you will find yourself running around in circles and becoming exhausted. Co-dependents are also guilty of trying to control others. This is because they want to influence that person’s moods, behaviour etc., so that they can feel good about themselves. This is also true for the parent/child relationship. As a mom you really want to help your kids, but are we guilty of doing too much for them and carrying too many of their burdens? If we do this too often, especially as they get older, we are simply storing up trouble for them in later life as they struggle to cope in their own relationships. 

However, some psychologists argue that human beings are designed to be co-dependent and that we are naturally pre disposed to seek our self worth from others. We, as older women, know that no matter what anyone says you cannot entirely separate your mood from your husband’s or partner’s and if your children are in trouble than a pride of lions could hardly keep you from jumping into the pit with both feet to help them. The trick is to strike a balance. It is only natural that we feel good about ourselves when others like us or praise us but if you feel you ‘depend’ on this to make you feel worthwhile then counselling may help you unravel why you think so little of yourself in the first place. 

Also try saying ‘no’ sometimes, especially if the request or favour will really put you out. People around you may find this difficult at first but they will soon start to behave differently towards you and stop taking you for granted. You can say no in a positive and un-confrontational way and remember you have every right to do so. By saying no in a reasonable manner you are signalling to others that you are not a doormat and this in turn will increase respect in their eyes, thus making you feel positive about yourself in a healthy way. 

Taking some regular physical exercise helps too. Releasing feel good endorphins will give you a natural ‘happy’ boost and the physical and mental changes exercise brings will make you feel better about yourself again in a positive way. 

Also, remember people who are co-dependent are usually very warm and caring so before you even start to change your behaviour you have an edge. Everyone loves kind, caring people so tell yourself you are a naturally likable person from the outset and the rest won’t be so hard! 

Go to our forum for more discussion

If you feel you have a problem with co-dependency or any other mental issue then planfreemum always recommends that you seek proper medical or professional advice.

There are strategies you can use to help you get a good night’s sleep – basic common sense rules, but if you are severely suffering then we would recommend that you go and see your doctor and discuss it through. Lack of sleep can cause all sorts of health problems and if you genuinely cannot get yourself into a good sleep routine you may need professional help. 

YOUR SLEEPING QUARTERS 

We use our bedrooms for all sorts of things these days – not just for sleeping! This is counter productive. Working on your laptop before going to sleep or watching TV will leave your brain too stimulated. Sleep experts say that you should aim to: 

Keep Your Room Dark – even light creeping in from another room or landing can keep you awake.

Save Your Bed for Sleeping In – your brain needs to associate your bed with sleep, not work or TV.

Make Sure You Are Comfortable – make sure you are happy with your pillows, weight of your duvet and the temperature of your room. 

CULTIVATE A GOOD BEDTIME ROUTINE 

You can train your brain to associate a specific routine with going to sleep. So create a pattern and stick to it and your brain will begin to wind down as you go through the routine every night and prepare for sleep.  

DAYTIME DO’S AND DON’T’S    

• It is really tempting to sleep late or nap too long during the day if you are having trouble sleeping at night but this will not help and will only prolong the cycle of sleeplessness. Throughout the day try to: 
• Exercise a little and regularly. However do not do strenuous exercise for at least 2 hours before you go to bed as this can have a stimulating effect. 
• Don’t go to bed on a full stomach. Try to eat your meal at least 2 hours before you go to bed. You can have a snack. A milk based, caffeine free drink for example can help aid sleepiness. 
• Avoid caffeine and certainly don’t drink or eat anything caffeinated for about 5 hours before you go to bed. Also watch some over the counter drugs, in particular cold remedies as these often contain caffeine. 
• Avoid Alcohol before bed – whilst initially this will make you fall asleep you may wake up several times through the night. 
• Avoid stimulating tasks for at least an hour before bed. Switch off laptops and other technology, watch only light entertainment on TV. Try listening to some relaxing music. 
• If you do need a nap during the day make sure you set your alarm to wake up after about 20 minutes. This will energise you and help you stay alert. Any more than 45 minutes will leave you feeling sluggish and sleepy. A good tip is to drink a cup of coffee and then go for a nap. The caffeine normally takes about 20 minutes to kick in so you will wake up naturally when it does! 

If you are struggling to sleep properly because of night sweats then it might be worth trying some herbal remedies to help reduce these. Many women find that taking  isoflavins (natural oestrogens) really help and red clover supplements which contain these are very popular and actually do work. HRT is another option, but that is not for everyone and many women are uncomfortable with the associated risks. Failing that, keep a fan near by and make sure you bed linen is cotton and that any nightwear is very light. There are several ‘cooling’ products on the market which are designed to keep your temperature stable in bed, however they can be quite expensive.  Breathing control works too. When you feel a heat surge coming on try to relax and breathe slowly and the sweat will pass and avoiding spicy foods, to hot drinks and a full stomach going to bed will keep the sweats down.

So, when it comes to applying for a new job it is vital that your CV or resume is a stand out, that it marks you out as someone worth calling for interview. Some recruitment consultants say that the vast majority of CV’s they receive are so shoddy that they end up being filed away in the shredder!

So what makes a good CV? It is not difficult but it does take some time and it is worth thinking about it over a few days and jotting down achievements as they come into your head. When you are ready to sit down and type it up here are some things to consider:

• The aim of your CV is to ensure you are selected for the next stage of the recruitment process.
• Emphasise your strengths to sell your skills and experience
• Make sure it is clear, relevant to the role you are applying for and completely up to date.
• Don’t be tempted to lie – CV’s are often used as the basis for interviews and may have a strong influence on what is discussed. You are likely to be asked questions about what is in your CV.  Remember that your CV needs to be a fair reflection of what you do and of your skills. Exaggerating your experiences and skills may get you noticed – but will make a very unpleasant interview experience!

DESIGNING A CV

Your CV should be clear and concise, easy to read and the spelling and grammar must be correct. Do not rely on spell-check as it often misses things or misinterprets what you want to say. Ask someone who knows you well to read over it for you. Your CV should include the following sections:

• Contact details – include your name, address, telephone number and email address.
• A Personal Profile – e.g. A results-driven, dedicated professional with solid experience in customer service and retail management. An excellent communicator at all levels with good problem solving and organisational skills. Highly motivated either working in a team or independently.
• Career History – In this section you should include the employers you have worked for, a summary of the role that you had and a record of your achievements. List your employment history in reverse chronological order, using bullet points and numerals. Avoid listing your job descriptions and produce a list of some of your key achievements, by quantifying your successes and support them with actual results/outcomes – e.g., raised customer satisfaction scores by 20% over a 12 month period.

      Qualifications

• The more recent your education and qualifications, the more emphasis you will want to place on this section and the earlier it will appear in your CV.
• If you left school/university a number of years ago, summarise your educational qualifications and highlight more recent and relevant qualifications.
• List your education and academic achievements to date in reverse chronological order including qualifications and grades achieved.

     Training

• You should detail any training courses that you have been on

     Other Information

You can use this section to add details that you have not included elsewhere. Good examples would be:

•  Achievements – awards won, positions of responsibility outside of work
• Any voluntary work or community work
•  Hobbies and interests – (one line will suffice)
•  Any other abilities such as speaking a foreign language, specific computer skills or knowledge etc.

….AND WHEN YOU ARE CALLED FOR INTERVIEW:

Congratulations! You know your CV made the right impression. Planning is now vital to ensure success at this next stage. Research the company thoroughly and also research the role you are applying for. Confidence is everything and if you have done your homework properly then you will feel comfortable answering any questions they throw at you. Remember to keep good eye contact and smile at the interviewer. Do not be afraid to ask for a moment if you need to think about an answer and have to or three questions ready to ask as well.

Think of some ‘positive negatives’ about yourself. A common interview question is about your weaknesses so have answers ready. These can be things like “I have had to learn not to take constructive criticism about my work too personally” or “I often struggle with people on my team who have a negative attitude”. 

Always aim to make an impression. Be confident talking about yourself and be clear about why you want the job and how your particular skill fit the role.

.

Picking the right carbs is not rocket science. The best approach is to group them into a traffic light system – so green, orange and red. Obviously you should aim to eat mostly from the green group, less from the amber group and hardly at all from the red group. The red group carbs should be strictly saved for occasional treats.

So what’s in the GREEN box:

Anything wholegrain – so things like brown rice and wholemeal bread and pasta, oats, bulgur wheat, buckwheat and popcorn with no sugary coating . Wholegrains are generally much healthier than refined grains, with more iron and B vitamins and higher fibre content. Also, because they are low in the glycaemic index they create a sustained rise in blood sugar, keeping your energy levels stable and staving off cravings and hunger pangs.

 In the AMBER box:

Anything refined – so good examples would be white bread, pasta, pastry and white rice. This group does not have the same nutritional value as the above as a lot of the goodness has been refined out. They are also higher on the glycaemic index so they will not create a lasting surge in blood sugar and you are more likely to crave unhealthy snacks.

 In the RED box: 

Anything high in refined sugar – all these types of carbs do is produce a massive burst of energy which does not last and makes you feel more lethargic and hungry. Furthermore, sugar is addictive and it provides little nutritional value, so these carbs should really only be eaten very occasionally. 

Many people struggle when choosing carbohydrate based foods like breakfast cereal and bread as it is often difficult to understand the food labelling and whether or not they are good or bad carbs. As a guide when choosing cereals look out for: 

• Labelling which has wholewheat as the first ingredient
• A very limited amount of sugar – under 8g per serving.
• A lot of fibre – over 3.5g per serving
• No sugar coating and a limited amount of salt 

When choosing bread think about: 

• Wholegrain – don’t just choose a ‘brown’ loaf
• Look for bread with at least 2.8g fibre per slice
• Limited salt – less than 0.4g per slice
• Added seeds or oats for extra nutrition 

Also, there is no scientific evidence which supports the need to cut out evening carbs in order to loose weight. This does work for some people but scientists believe it is likely to be the overall calorie reduction which makes the difference rather than the cutting out of carbs. Like everything, portion sizes with carbs count, so remember just because a carb is in the green section does not mean you can eat it freely without it impacting it on your weight. Aim to have between 6 – 10 portions a day depending on your size( a small woman needs a lot less than a large one) and most or all of these should be from the green section. A normal sized portion equals: 

1 medium slice of bread

2-3 crackers or crispbreads

2-3 heaped tablespoons of cooked rice or pasta

1 medium sized baked potato, 2 egg sized boiled potatoes (leave the skin on for extra fibre) or 1 scoop of mashed potato.